Thursday, May 6, 2010

hated holiday...

Let the pity party begin..

I HATE MOTHERS DAY!!
at least right now...
I LOVE MOTHERS DAY!!
I get to celebrate my wonderful mom!

I hate the love/hate relationship I have with this holiday.  Normally it isn't a problem.  I understand that I have plent of time and it will happen if it is God's Plan but right now EVERYONE is preggers.  Either preggers or recently had a baby.  I was at Wally World the other day and coudln't stop myself looking throught the cards they had on dispaly.  Some were funny.  Others were sweet.  Some were just stupid. 

I stood there reading a card and I had a horrible heart ache.  I wanted to receive a card on Sunday.  I wished I had someone who was trying to select the perfect card to give to me. I wish I had a piece of construction paper with some Crayola squiggles on it as a signiture from my baby. 
Oh how I long for those things!!  

I know all the platitudes.  It will happen when you least expect it.  Just stay positive.  The grass is greener.  It will happen when it will happen.  On a better day I would understand it...thought I would disagree with it all. I just feel like I am running out of time.  I was babysitting the other day and I had to run into the store.  I was carrying Marlee and buckling her in and couldn't help but think "This is where I should be.  This is what I need to be doing." I am a firm believer that women are created with divine ability and responsiblity of being a mother, home maker, nurture, etc. I have a feeling of inadequacy because I am feel I haven't been blessed to be a mother because Heavenly Father sees some sort of deficiency in me (and yes I know that isn't true but hard to ignore the Devil sometimes).  I know I need to pray about this more but everytime I start I just can't continue because I think if I voice my question, I won't like the answer so I would rather not hear it!!
Isn't denial a pretty thing?  I know where I need to start but I am too afraid too.

But on a better note....

this is my mom...
I don't mean she is as big as an elephant...

Like an elephant, she is as strong, noble, conservative (helps that she is a Republican too), protective, smart, intelligent, loving, nuturing, supportive, natural leader, follower, domineering (yes that is a good quality), self reliant, tough, gentle, enduring, teachable, teacher, nuturing, and every other good/great quality in the world. 

I have the best mother.  Hands down.  No competition.  Gold, silver and bronze go to her.

For as much trouble as me and my family gives her, she still keeps her sanity and is the heart to our family. 
I have never doubted her love for me.  I know she WILL ALWAYS love me.
She is the bestes ever and has helped me be a better person than I ever hoped to be.
I love her more than I can expres.

Heres to my mom:

The political activist

the friend


the grandma


the support system


and the greatest mom in the world!!

I love you!

4 comments:

  1. Megan - those are such hard feelings and I know it's so hard to be where you're at. I hated all those "platitudes", so I won't give you anymore! Just stick close to your family and love those neices and nephews of yours! I think you're awesome!

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  2. Yeah, your mom's great! And I know TJ appreciates you...he's had such an awesome life since you adopted him! Since I never had to wait for motherhood, I don't think I ever yearned for it quite the way you do; I think you'll appreciate it more and be an even better mom for having to wait. (Even though right now you hate it.) I love you and hope you things work out in the very best way for you!

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  3. I think you need to stop lusting for what you don't have and start living for what you do have. Once you start living and enjoying life and being in the moment, you will be more attractive as a person and eventually you will be a better mother because you will learn that by living in the moment and being confident, you get what you want, not by complaining and feeling bad for yourself. You are a smart and intelligent person and you don't deserve to feel inadequate for what your religion has pushed on you for so long. Sorry to be harsh, but I think you are a great person who deserves to be happy NOW.

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  4. Megan, I stumbled on this post and my heart hurts for you. Don't ever believe you are being punished because of your current circumstances. I do agree with some of what Courtney said. Get out there and live life. Live it to the fullest. Live out loud. Carpe Diem and all that good stuff. Set some goals, go on some trips, gain some new skills. Do something for you because if you are moving forward, it's hard to feel bad about where you are, since you know you won't be there for long.
    All right. I'm pep-talked out. And I'm glad you have your mom. She is a neat lady and a great role model for you. Keep loving those nieces and nephews of yours. I wish I had my sister nearby to watch my kids. You are a great blessing to your whole family.

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