Tuesday, January 26, 2010

funny feelings..

I know this will sound silly but.....i feel grown up.  I don't know what has changed with this new year but something is different.  Maybe it is the fact that 26 is only a little over 2 months away and this is not where I planned life to be.  Maybe it is the start of a new decade.  Maybe i have just grown up.  I used to doubt myself all the time.  Why?  Good question.  When you find the answer let me know.  I honestly have no idea.  I was/am a good person so why would I always walk with my head down?  Why do I stand on the wall too afraid to participate?  I DON'T WEAR PATTERNS BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I HAVE THE PERSONALITY FOR IT!! How crazy is that?  I used to think I have a blah personality.  I didn't have a great laugh.  I wasn't pretty.  I didn't have amazing fashion sense.  I wasn't very intelligent.  Did you read those last sentences?  All of them contained a negative--NOT!!  I used (notice past tense)...I used to say I was a external optimist and an internal pessimist. Great things would happen to others and I never expected them for myself.  I don't know why I had this mentality. (Again if you figure out the answer let me know PLEASE!)

But lately people (love you family) have been commenting on the change too. I guess it does help that good things are happening (even with recent setbacks) but I think it is more than just good things (and FYI when I say good things I mean I am losing weight but still too chicken to annouce it to everyone...which I kinda did..oh well).   I attribute the change to a few things

1.  Crappy friends.  Friends who dump you when you get a boyfriend.  Because of said recent friend dumping me, I have had to learn to enjoy my company and I like me.  I am just a plain jane (in a good way).  I am kind, considerate, oh so humble :), love, giving, funny, helpful, somewhat pretty, and kinda smart.  Who wouldn't want to hang out with me?  Someone stupid.  That is ok.  I forgive them.

2.  My beloved TJ.  The unconditional love he gives me is priceless. He is always there...well usually always there.  Sometimes he escapes and it take forever to track him down.  I think if I just let him go he would come back but I am too paranoid to try.  But I love how he cuddles in the crook of my arm so I can rub his belly.  He than looks up at me with his brown eyes and I just melt.  I maybe crazy but I swear I can see him saying thank you for the love and home and food and great friends like the giant boomer and gpa L and the big bed I get to sleep in.  Poor guy is passed out on the bed next to me after playing and running at the dog park this afternoon.  Plus it helps he had a feast for dinner, chicken scraps and tuna water.  Plus I had to bribe him with treats so I could put medicine in his eye.  Check up tomorrow at Vet. Will let you know how it turns out.

3. Teach Sunday School.  What a blessing and a curse. I have developed such a deeper understanding of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.v(hence known as HF & Jesus Christ is JC)  I admit to being a ........shallow Mormon.  I really didn't delve into the Scriptures or ask questions.  I just accepted whatever was given me.  And for some that is ok.  Not for me anymore. I question and reserve judgement til I get an answer.  I tell you know I don't agree with everything and I may end up in a lesser heaven but that is ok.  To be honest there are some people who I can't STAND on this earth who are going to the Celestial glory and I would rather go the hell then spend eternity with them (FYI if any non member has questions about any of this go here to mormon.org and it will expalin everything better than I can).  I have a deeper apperciation for what JC suffered for me.  The pain is unimagianalbe and He did so willingly because He loved me.  He didn't just suffer for my sins.  He suffered my loneliness, my anger, my saddness, my physical afflictions, my pride. HE bore all for me.  Why would someone be willing to bear pain for a stranger?  I am known individually by my Heavenly Father and by Jesus Christ. 

4.  Speaking of loniless, I am changed because of it.  Do to recent developments, I thought I would go mad.  Said situation would just amplify and multiply my loneliness.  How wrong I was.  I am still lonely but nothing has really changed.  I am slowly....VERY SLOWLY realizing that I can't control when/where it happens.  It will happen when it does.  Do I still wish and pray that it happens soon?  Yes.  Do I expect it too?  No.  Am I ok with that?  Kinda.  I don't need to measure myself by my marital status. 

I don't know what it is but I am so grateful.  Tonight I made tons of food to freeze.  I had 4 pans of Robbs Enchilada's, 5 pans of Tuna Casserole, and 8 bowls of soup.  Saturday is grocery shopping day to stock the pantry with good fresh food and make more freezable.  Now I won't have to sponge of family for dinner because I hate cooking for one.  All frozen dinner are like 2 servings at most so I wont have to eat the leftover for a week!!  I am so proud of myself.  I will take a pictures of the bounty when I get my new camera tomorrow.

Speaking of camera I was so bummed I couldn't get my Sony Cyber Shot to work.  It feel on it's side and the lense is unbalanced.  It will cost $90 to replace it.  I will still keep it because great memories attached to the camera itself (like it was a Christmas gift and I took it to Seattle and the BSU games with my dad....a tear just formed thinking of the dead camera :( ).  Tomorrow it is to the store for a new one because I am going through picture taking withdrawls.  That is another reason!! 

This blog.  I have never been a journal writter but this has helped me sort out many issues that otherwise would have festered and never left.  Now they get wrote down and I forget them.  Being an adult is dealing with your issues.  I am learning.  How wonderful small changes cumulate into something so grand.

In the next couple of weeks I am sure something else will take away the freshness and giddiness over being an adult but right now I will just bask in the glow.  Silly I know but no one said feelings had to be serious.  :)

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