Being single...

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this a couple of days ago but are just now getting arround to post it on 9/24.

So I was going through Picasa the other day with my mom. She saw all the shots of TJ and made a comment that made me giggle (and to be honest hurt a little). She said "He will be the most photographed dog." I will agree with her. I do take tons of pictures. Have I seen her coo over the pictures of my sisters babies and not mention how that baby will be the most photographed baby? I know that she didn't mean it that way but right now it just seems that everything is pointing to the fact that I don't have the baby and/or husband.

I know it is eluding me because I want it so much and the next person to say it will come to you when you let it go will get a fist in the jaw. I understand that concept but everytime I have practiced it (or at least tired too) it hasn't been successful. I than see parents abusing their children and why wonder? Why does that baby have to suffer? Why is such a horrible person granted such a wonderful gift? I know the answers to most of the questions. I also realize that I need to have more faith in Heavenly Fathers plan for me. I need to have more faith in myself. I am not a bad person who is undeserving of these things. That is not why I don't have them. Now if I can just get my head and heart on the same page, life would be simpler. But I am again looking at the quote: "Women who are unable to have children and single women can find fulfillment by working with children in a variety of ways or by doing other things whereby they can give of themselves in service to others. Women who do such work can find joy in it and bring happiness and wholesome influence into the lives of children, especially those who have been denied a mother’s love.

President Brigham Young comforted those childless women who had been faithful to their temple covenants, saying: “Many of the sisters grieve because they are not blessed with offspring. You will see the time when you will have millions of children around you. If you are faithful to your covenants, you will be mothers of nations. … Be faithful, and if you are not blest with children in this time, you will be hereafter” (in Deseret News [Weekly], 28 Nov. 1860, 306)." From "Lesson 14: The Latter-day Saint Woman,” The Latter-day Saint Woman: Basic Manual for Women, Part A, 97"

I don't want to sound like I don't love Tj. I do. I am also convinced that HF connected the two of us. I know you think I sound crazy but I think that HF can communicate to us through animals. He stopped the lions from eating/attacking Daniel. I am sure He helped in the Noah's Ark. Tj has demonstrated this great insight 2 times. Usually when I cry, Tj actually runs & hides (typical male :D). I was laying on the couch just lamenting my single status a couple of months ago. And from nowhere Tj comes out of hiding from underneath the love seat and jumps up and lays on my my side. He than lays his head on my check. He just stays there. What makes this crazy is that I was just wishing I could get a hug!! Tj has never laid like that again. (ok he did once because I physically made him but after 30 seconds he was gone).

And the other night I was bemoaning singlehood again (notice a theme?) and I was being particularly vicious to myself (when aren't I?) and here comes Tj. He just jumps on my lap and lays his little head right underneath my chin. When he is getting his belly rubbed, he will lay his head right over my heart. I LOVE when he does that. It just makes me feel so loved. But last night right underneath my chin was the best. When I would exhale, his ear would twitch. Tj cant stand air around his ears, but he still sat there.