but I have turned into a crazy emotional girl recently. I could cry just about anything. I think there are alot of factors contributing to this current states I am in so I am going to set them free by voicing them. I haven't been blogging as much as I should so I have enteralized alot. Interalizing is very bad for me. I let things fester and it makes me despressed and grumpy. (Oh by the way, pardon any bad spelling, grammar, etc because I am typing with my eyes closed - the bright screen is hurting my tired, puffy, red crieded out eyes--plus I have tired and I have to get up at 5 tomorrow too).
So major factor in contributing to this emotion states is I am flat out tired. I have been getting up at 5 each day adn working my butt off at work each day. i was recently promoted to a new position. I work on a special customer servcie team that handles Starbucks (yes the evil coffee chain) deliveries. I don't do anything else besides schedule pick up, deliveries, and monitor Starbucks freight. It is a huge account for us. HUGE!! I want to succeed so I have been putting out 110% everyday. I haven't had to learn/be trained in 5 years so this is a new processes for me. I am so focused on doing well I just wear out my brain. When I come home I really wan to collapse into bed and never leave but I still have to spend time with TJ, eat, talk to my parents and try to unwind a little. I have dreamt about Starbukcs on multiple occassions. It is getting better now thata I have been at the job for a month but I am still tired.
But on a positive note it is that much closer until I am in Atlanta. A working vacation. i am really excited for it.
Another problem is I haven't cried in awhile. I am really cried. I need to have the release. I laughed alot today which cracked the dam because laughing is just a tiny tiny space away from crying.
But there are few things that I want to cry over but I haven't permitted myself.
1. being a old maid. Chalk it up to being 27, signle and childless and close to Mothers Day it jst seems that my heart is calling out for a child but it isn't meant o be yet. It doesn't help that 10,000 people are pregnant, recently had a baby, or about to pop. I swear with inthe group of people I know and how small it is there must be 12-15 women. It sucks.
(but I can hear th raindrop of the ceiling and it makes me smile)
2. It is near Memorial Day. I have such a deep love of our country. I know it is the greatest place on Earth and has been chosen by God to play vital role. I know that our Founding Fathers were divinely inspired. They Constitution and Declaration of Indpendence are some of the most importanta documents in the world. But knowing these things has caused me a great deal of fear. With the current government, and the apathy of many of the citizens, our rights and freedoms that many fought to establish and perserve are in jeopardy. i believe it is time for Americans to turn back to God, Our Creator. That unless that happens, we will be destroyed and everything that we hold scared will be taken away.
The love for our military will never falter or waiver. Because of the service of millions in our armed forces so many injustices have been corrected, lives perserved, catastrophies avererted. These have comes at a great cost of human life thourghout the centuries. I know that many today perceive the military as an awful thing. They blame the military for wars they don't support or engagements we shouldn't be in. However, the military are simpy following the orders. i got into a debate with a coworker once about Memorial Day. he thought it was a time to celebrate the Iraq war adn the President he didn't support. As far as I know, there is no established holiday celebrating an war. We recognize days of great importance (like Pearl Harbor) but that is different. That is celebrating an anniversary...but anyway... I simple reminded my cowroker that Memorial Day is not about the war, or what county we are fighting in, or whether the President if a R/D. It is about the soldier. Each individual in our military and recognizing the past, present, and future sacrifices that have been made. It is about the millions of faces that I will never see in this liftime and will never have the oppurtunity to say Thank You for doing what I was too afriad to do. i can't explain it anymore. All I can say is when I hear that National Anthem (sung properly and correct lyrics) that it brings tears to my ears and makes my heart swell. That when I see a flag being burned or mistreated that I want to snatch it away and yell "DON"T YOU KNOW WHAT HAS BEEN SACRAFICED FOR YOU?!?! WHAT LIVES HAVE BEEN LOST THAT ALLOW YOU THE FREEDOM TO BURN THE FLAG?!?!" Just being you can doesn't mean you should.
3. I turned 27. That isn't old (but it isn't young either). But What makes it so difficult is the reminder that Gma Summers is in heaven. Gma died of cancer 10 years go on April 5...which is my birthday. I was young so I didn't know Gma was sick. Whenever we visited, I remember in good health and what love radiated from her. I remember Lucky Charms and homemade pickles. The old rotary phone and the Family Circle cominc books. The way she smelled and St Ives soap. the pink and blue bathroom. The house vests she would wear and the coocoo clock. The scary basement and the game kerplunk. And the lilac trees. Oh what beautiful trees they were. Two stores tall adn smelled divine!When I see my Mom I can see Gma. i know I have had yen year sto grieve but it doesn't seem to be getting easier.
I remember that Mom had to be gone for a week or two and would mis my birthday because Gma and Mom were going to Arizon to see Uncle Darl. I remember all the food the Relief Society brought over. I remember the two birthday cakes I received. The best cake was chocolate with pink sprinkles. I cant remember what day Mom made it home. i remember sitting at the ktchen table and it was sunny outside. We were still living in Boise. i reember she came through the front door. She was halfway throug hthe kitchen I remember looking at her from the table. I saw her start to cry and I ran to hug her. That is what I remember. After that I breifly recall collecting some things to keep but I don't remember the service or what happened after that. I remember visiting Gpa Summers after she had passed and how I would cry each time we left.
I don't know why it can be soo hard. Last birthday I was fine. This birthday i am falling apart. I think it is because I wished for what could've been. I don't know really. All I know is that it is difficult.
My eyes are nearly swollen shut. I had better put this to rest before I break something. Hopefully everything has been purged so tomorrow (or shall I say today) is Race for the Cure. This year it will be all of us sisters and my mom. Expect pictures to be posted on Sunday. I am excited for th girls day out but I had better get some rest because the alarm will be going off at 5 which is in a few hours.
and I am content. I am working on being happy but I am having a little setback. no need to worry about me. I will survive...I will survive hey hey!! (Insert rest of Gloria Gaynors song here). :)
